When College Isn’t The Plan — How to Really Talk With Your Kid (DF#192)

Hannah Maruyama [00:00:00]:
There are so many superior options to the college conveyor belt, whether it's jumping into a job, learning a trade or apprenticeship, earning a certification or a license to do something, or starting your own business. Your teen has options that can lead them to a happy, successful life that they build in their own way. Now let's get a little more practical because how can you, as a parent, support and guide your almost about to be graduate into this totally uncharted wilderness of all of these job options and learning options and the changing job market and AI? Okay. Well, I'm gonna talk you through what to do and then how to talk to them about this. So the first thing is talking to your child. This is obviously really important because you need to ask open ended questions about what they want out of their future. What kind of money do they wanna make? Where do they wanna live and build a life? What do they value as far as family structures or freedom or creativity or schedule or what can they abs and if, and if that's too hard, which sometimes it is, think about what they absolutely can't stand. Ask them that.

Hannah Maruyama [00:00:53]:
What can't they stand? What do they what makes them wanna shrivel up if they have to think about doing it one more time? And for many of them, it's gonna be school. And the relief here is that they don't have to do that. And then again, as I said, when they graduate high school and they go into the real world, it doesn't work like that anymore. The rules there are no rules. The rules are, does it work? And some of your kids, most of your kids are going to be so free and thrive in that. It's unbelievable. I know that I did. Here what's important is listening a lot more than you speak because it's so difficult when they are talking about this kind of stuff to not interrupt or guide overly guide too much.

Hannah Maruyama [00:01:28]:
So your goal is just to ask the question and then shut up. Don't say anything. Just understand what they're picturing and close your eyes if you have to and and picture what they're saying, unless you're driving then obviously don't. And then help them articulate a vision for the next year or two that's actionable. So you don't have to go all the way into the future. Right? When you ask the questions, you do want them to think about the future, but you don't need the steps for ten years in the future. You need the steps for tomorrow, but you need the why of what are they working towards? What are they trying to get? And that is really what's gonna help. And so they might feel really unsure or really nervous, but that's okay.

Hannah Maruyama [00:02:05]:
Just reassure them that not knowing is exactly what they should feel at 18. The only reason we tell 18 year olds that they have to be sure of what they wanna do is because we need them to buy a hundred thousand dollar college degree. If your child is not gonna do that, all of the pressure is gone. All the stress is gone. It just evaporates like that. How amazing is that? How empowering is that? And just let them know that not every kid knows their path at graduation. The ones buying college degrees right now have no idea what they're doing. They're just spending money, and your child's not doing that.

Hannah Maruyama [00:02:34]:
So they have so much more time, so much more space, so much more energy that they're able to expend figuring out the right thing for them the way they wanna figure it out. So just tell them you support them, and then make sure that there's an actionable tomorrow plan, not necessarily again, you don't need five years in the future. You need tomorrow, and you can work backwards from the long term vision of the future. And then tell them that you're really proud of them because you should be. They're doing something and taking agency over their own life, stewardship over their own life that so many parents of 26, 20 seven, 20 eight year olds who are back home already would pay anything to have. They would pay anything to have what you have right now, which is a child that wants to do something that's gonna get them a different result in life. Once you've listened to everything and, you know, this could be one conversation all by itself, but gently shift into, alright, let's think here. And just figuring out for the next few months, for the next year, what are they gonna do? What are they gonna do after they have their high school diploma? And treat it more like planning vacation, set short term goals.

Hannah Maruyama [00:03:39]:
So get a full time job by this month, or get into this industry by this month, or complete this certification or program in coding by the end of the year. Help them define one or two specific goals that are actually measurable that you can see that they're working on, that they know that they're doing, but don't assign them the goals. Make sure that they choose them. And then once they do, just watch what they do. This is something that we do in the launch program, but for each goal, list out steps and resources. And then ideally, what you're gonna do is take all of these once you have them all written out because it's gonna be a lot and actually organize them into the most effective way to get these things done in the order that they should get done for your specific child. So start with the lowest risk things first, quickest wins first, and then move down the list to the hardest things. Don't start with the most expensive learning program, the most expensive this, the most labor intensive, the most time consuming.

Hannah Maruyama [00:04:29]:
Start slow and then move on. Unless your child is absolutely sure that that's the way they wanna learn and you guys have that budgeted out and earmarked. Again, a checklist is your friend here. You can do this as a written plan. You can do this as a one pager or checklist. My advice here would not be to make this more than one page. It needs to be very, very simple so that they can go over it and actually just go, alright. Here's the quick wins.

Hannah Maruyama [00:04:51]:
Let's do this. This is what gets done tomorrow, the day after, the next week so that they know what they're doing and you know what they're doing too because that will keep you from feeling like you're micromanaging everything. If your teen is still fuzzy on what they wanna do, then encourage them to try out an experience in the real world. So this is shadowing a family friend or doing a short term internship or maybe volunteer work or even getting a small part time job. Sometimes trying something for a few weeks will tell you more than all the career aptitude tests in the whole world. I've had people, and this is kind of where I'm talking about doing things that are lower risk first, as opposed to the most risky things first. So I've had a young lady I talked to at one point who mentioned that she was gonna become a nurse and she hated blood, she hated anything medical, she had anything to do with bodily functions and I just went, that doesn't seem like a really good idea. And also that's a lot of schooling and she hated school.

Hannah Maruyama [00:05:40]:
And so all of these things seemed like they didn't really align with what she wanted out of her life. And as far as work environment goes, she was and she was very much somebody who was made unhappy by her work environment and very, she was a very sensitive person. And then afterwards, she came back and said that she was gonna go instead, she was gonna start as an EMT. And that if you know what kind of work EMTs do, then you would know that that was almost worse for her specifically just because of the things that she cared about in her day to day work life. And then I asked her, oh, well, you know, did you, we have a friend that does that. Have you tried to shadow with them? She said, no. I'm afraid it's gonna scare me away. That is a recipe for disaster.

Hannah Maruyama [00:06:15]:
And you can avoid disaster, which is literally years spent learning something, paying to learn something. If you get your child to be able to dip their foot in before they fully dive all the way in, because that's how they're gonna get a good at least impression of it, which is better than no information at all. And then this is a little bit more of a practical matter, but if your child's gonna be living at home, it's really healthy to set actual expectations. So this is because there's going to be a shift that's not going to necessarily be visual. One of the ways that I personally talk about this, especially in this economy, because it's difficult to have people move out, is if they're able to and get roommates, then be willing to help with those expenses because you're, you would be paying for a dorm anyway. So just help a little bit, a set amount each month. That way they budget it. Don't just, and this is just advice.

Hannah Maruyama [00:07:02]:
This is just personal advice, But don't just go paying whatever bills come in the door from them while they're living with roommates, but just give them a set amount every month if you feel comfortable doing that or if you want to do that. If not, a lot of kids, you know, you just have a lot of roommates. I had a I personally had a lot of roommates, and we lived in a lower cost area of town and we made it work. I worked a lot, but that's kinda how it is at the beginning. And then if they're gonna live at home, then just make sure they have very clear responsibilities about their own bills, their own household work. That way it doesn't become a point of friction in your household. And also, so it's not sticky when they actually exit and they launch and they're on their own because they will have already taken over management of things that they're going to have to manage anyway. So just do it slow now, that way it doesn't create tension and it actually helps them grow into their own as opposed to causing head butting.

Hannah Maruyama [00:07:50]:
Graduating high school can be really emotional even if your child wants to leave high school because they're just ready to be done. But not following other people where it feels like they're going, even if they're really not going there or they shouldn't be going there, and I'm talking about college here, is helping them stay connected. One of the things that college campuses actually don't do well is connection. A lot of young adults who go to college end up feeling very isolated, very depressed, and very lonely. This is one of the top feelings they report. And actually, suicide rates on college campuses get extremely high, which is something that a lot of people do not wanna talk about. And I a lot of that, I believe, is because they leave their familiar surroundings. They leave the people that love them.

Hannah Maruyama [00:08:29]:
They go out, they don't know what they're doing. They're spending money. They don't have they're extremely stressed out. And that just creates this horrible, toxic environment for them. And understandably, it ends really tragically for a lot of them. So if you do not want that for your child, what makes a lot of sense is really helping them to form community where they are. And that means, like I said, getting involved in language meetups or even intramural sports or local coed sports. So many things.

Hannah Maruyama [00:08:57]:
But what a lot of people really miss, I think, here is that community and network is the people around you. And so that's gonna be volunteer groups. That's gonna be churches or synagogues or your local place of worship. All of these things are going to matter a lot, and that's really where I suggest people look for community. Because one of the things to and I've talked about it on the podcast before, but when you look at where people actually meet their significant others, which is a really good indication of where the community is, you still see that even though online is the biggest group, when you look at where people physically meet, it's gonna be neighbors. It's gonna be churches. It's gonna be restaurants. So it's gonna be all of those third places that the your kids probably don't feel like they have.

Hannah Maruyama [00:09:36]:
So helping them figure out where to go, and I don't mean like nagging them and saying, hey, why don't you go here? Why don't you go here? But just saying, oh, okay. Well, you know, you wanna learn this language. Okay. Well, here's this meetup group or you're gonna go do this. Okay. Well, you know, we'll buy on Tuesday night because you're going to this. And just help them feel like they're able to go and form community in those places. From a lot of parents though, I have heard that this season of time is very much a shift from I am dictating every move to I am more of a guide and I'm here as a support if needed, but I'm not going to interfere.

Hannah Maruyama [00:10:08]:
So the key takeaway here is working with your young adult as they graduate to help outline an actual vision of their future and then the steps, because the tomorrow is what most of them are gonna struggle with. The, the goal vision of the future, many of them will have a surprisingly clear vision of what they want long term in the future. And it's usually actually not that complex and it's pretty simple. So collaborating on a game plan with them and helping give them agency and direction and making sure that they're also fulfilling their responsibilities at home, by just saying, hey, clearly this is this is you. This is not me. And you're gonna be taking this over. The message that gets sent is I trust you. I'm here for you and we've got this.

Hannah Maruyama [00:10:42]:
And that support of freedom and also the knowledge that you're right there if you need them because we didn't, they don't just become adults overnight like that. It's gonna help launch your son or daughter into adulthood confidently. But overall, this time of year picks up speed a ton and it gets everything seems like it moves a lot faster. So just take a deep breath because it's exciting, but it's also scary, and that's okay. You've done what you can do. They're 18 years old, so now they're forging your own trail, and the best thing you can do is just help them do that efficiently. It takes courage on their part and courage on yours to make different decisions to get different outcomes. And while some people kinda poohoo high school graduation, I think that as an aging milestone, it is a big deal.

Hannah Maruyama [00:11:26]:
And celebrating the fact that they're done with the season of their lives, this part of the book is closing, and then the future is opening up, and it's really, really bright and beautiful. And for a lot of your kids, it's actually gonna be a much better time than school was. So no matter what comes next, mark the occasion now. But finally, just trust the process and trust the child that you raised. This path might feel unconventional to you, but it's completely unrestricted. It's time to change our definition of success to your child getting what they want out of life and doing it the way that they want. They don't have to check all these boxes. They've never had to, and you really feeling that will help you feel so much freer and take so much pressure off them to actually explore the world the way you want them to and find the right groove for them.

Hannah Maruyama [00:12:08]:
Caps off to that, and congratulations to you both on this huge milestone. If you'd like personalized help with your graduating high school senior, check out our website for the degree free launch program, degreefree.com/launch. It's a really great way to get a customized roadmap where I was talking about the tomorrow step by step and also the long term vision. The link to that will be in the show notes as well. And, hey, we're also trying a new format. So let me know what you think about this episode. Have a good week.